Have you ever been walking down the street, worried about radiation, and wished you had a mask that could keep you safe from dangerous chemicals? Have you ever wished your bra could support you, and keep you safe?
Apparently designer Dr. Elena Bodnar has. As a young physician she witnessed some of the effects of Chernobyl nuclear plant disaster in 1986, and came to produce the Emergency Bra.
And what exactly is an Emergency Bra you ask?
An Emergency Bra is a lovely contraption that works as a normal bra, and then breaks into two fully functional, face masks that can filter out dangerous chemicals.
Watch the video for a bunch of old guys breathing in some good old fashioned boob sweat.
To quote the good doctor,
"Ladies and gentlemen, isn't that wonderful that women have two breasts, not just one? We can save not only our own life, but also the life of a man of our choice next to us."
Admittedly, it looks kind of silly, but hey. Radiation sucks face.
The bra comes in limited colors, styles, and sizes, but is available for retail sale, for a pretty acceptable price.
I'm guessing most of my younger readers don't have what we will call gentle, breast wrinkles.
Like, when you see an old lady who doesn't wear a really good bra, and she has all this wrinkly stuff going one?
Well, the solution has come!
Now, I don't know about you, but I have never, ever seen anything like this. I guess the idea is it will basically smooth the skin between the breasts and give you that young, smooth, in between the boob look? Here's an example of what I'm trying to say.
1.Cup This is where you actually put your boob. A cup can be loose, wireless, shaped, wired, padded, push up, etc. Maternity bras will also have the option of a drop down cup, to make breast feeding/milking easier. Lots of fun stuff happening in there.
2. Wing The wing is the bit that goes from the edge of your cup, under your arm. This is part of the band.
3. Band The band is the whole bit that connects from your cup to your hooks. This is a really good monitor of whether your bra is fitting correctly. If you have flesh spill over (AKA "back fat") that's super apparent, you might need a bigger band.
4. Hook The hook is the part that actually keeps your bra together/on. Hooks can be in the front or back of the bra, and the number of hooks really varies with bra style, size, and maker. Only real exception to this part is a bandeau bra, which is just kind of an over the head number, that also lacks straps.
5. Strap The strap is the part of the bra that generally keeps it from falling down to your waist, and these puppies are adjustable! Bras that have straps connected to the cup directly tend to lift from the actually shoulder, and less from the cup itself. Bra's that are strapless tend to have a line of rubber along the band and sometimes the cup.
6. Bridge The bridge is the connector between cups in the front. Sometimes the bridge is small, sometimes it's bigger. Some bra makers have convertible bridges to shift the breasts and give them more of a push up. The bridge can also be home to a front hook. Easy access!
So now we know the parts of the bra! Get ready for the pop quiz.
Today I decided it was important to know if the Greek's had a god of breasts, or boobs. So, logically, and in a fashion sure to be 100% accurate, I googled it.
Two are clearly coming up thus far in my search, those being Hera and Aphrodite. Hera makes sense, because she was all like, hey, fertility and babies that I'll end up hating because my husband can't keep his hands to himself! And Aphrodite is all beautiful and seducing the men and crap, with them boobs of hers, even though she chose to marry the guy who smelled like iron and limped everywhere, but hey. Her choice.
But the one that surprised me was Artemis (Diana). Apparently, she has like, 20 boobs. Look. She makes a little bit of sense because she's supposed to be the nourishing, loving one, but she's also like, a virgin, and naive, so does she even know what her booooooooooobs do?
Though, if you google God of breasts, this pops up, and it looks like of reliable, except for it's hosted on Wikipedia. And we all know about Wikipedia.
If you had to choose a god/goddess of breasts, who would it be? My vote is on Salma Hayek. I mean, hello.
I really love my job. I really do! What else could you be doing that pays you to help women with their "girls" for 6 to 8 hours a day? Perverts R Us, that's what.
But one of the major downsides of my job has been breaking the truth to women. I have a lot of women that come to me looking for help, but when I give them my honest, trained, professional advice, they deny it!
A few days ago I had a woman come in who was quite large, and when I asked her if there was anything I could help her find, she asked me where the 34DD bras were. Now, if you've read this, you know that this means you'll be small around, but you'll have large breasts. And while this woman had larger breasts, I can't exactly say she was very little around. But being a good person, I showed her the bras we had in that size and tried to figure out how she could be so deluded.
On occasion I do get a few people that surprise me, and sometime woman can slim towards the waist, distorting my measurements, but it's a rare, and easily fixed occurance.
I asked if she had been fitted. "Not in years!" Was she sure of her size? "Absolutely positive." Had she ever experienced problems like a tight band, or a small cup? "All the time, but no bra is comfortable." Would she like to be fitted? "No thanks, this is fine!"
FINE MY PANTS LOVING ASS.
After a few more minutes of trying to coerce her into a larger size, she finally left, purchasing two bras. Two 34DD bras, to be exact.
So my dears, my lovely, lovely readers, if someone tried to help you with this sort of thing, let them! If your bra is not fitting right, it's probably not the right size.
Help me, to help you.
So here's some basic tips: If your band feels tight, go up a band. If your cup feels small, go up a cup. If both feel wrong, either fit yourself or get fitted. Underwire is your friend. If you don't like your size, try a minimizer. Padding doesn't always mean push up. LISTEN TO PEOPLE WHO TRY TO HELP YOU.
And finally, don't be ashamed. Your bra size is not something to be ashamed of, or saddened by. Everyone is different, and there is no shame in that! LOVE YOUR BREASTS!
I like robots. I mean, they're pretty cool, other then the occasional one that goes rogue and tries to cut your face open and smash your brains and replace them with a shorted out motherboard.
But you know what I hate?
AUTOMATED CUSTOMER SERVICE ROBOTS WHEN I CALL A PHONE NUMBER.
Today, I had to call USPS about an order I had placed, after already sending an email that received an idiotic, automated response. So I decided, hey, back to basics, I'll be a big girl and pick up the damn phone.
CS "Thank you for calling USPS! (Spanish option!) You can say mailing prices, change of address, track and confirm and package, or delivery services." ME "Track and confirm a package." CS "Do you have a tracking or article number?" ME "Yes" CS "Please say or enter the numbers in the keypad."
After typing the numbers in about sixteen times, which by the way, those number sequences are ridiculously long, the automated customer service started to apologize, but never gave me an option to speak to a real person.
So I did what anyone in their right mind would do.
CS "I'm sorry, please enter the numbers again?" ME "NO."
(Look at me! Standing up to the machines! SUCK ON THAT.)
CS "I'm sorry, I'm having a lot of trouble, can you please say the numbers again?" ME "NNOOOOOOOO" CS "I'm sorry, did you say yes or no?" ME "CUSTOMER SERVICE CUSTOMER SERVICE CUSTOMER SERVICE" CS "I'm sorry, did you say yes or no?"
It literally took two minutes of me just repeating CUSTOMER SERVICE as loudly as I could before it finally responded, like a disappointed child
CS "Did you say, customer service?" ME "YES I DID THANK THE LORD" CS "I'm sorry, did you..." ME "YES, YES, YES"
It look exactly one minute, forty six seconds to clear my problem up with a real customer service representative.
I need everyone with Internet access to do me a favor. Click on this, and please read the following comic. This would basically sum up everything.
SO SCREW YOU ROBOTS. MAKING LIFE EASIER MY PANTS LOVING ASS.
